The Far Side of the Inner Nearness of Being

My birthday looms like a juggernaut on a stormy sea, and I wonder. After so many years of going through this mordant reverie over life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, why am I still tormented by inner demons? The one thing that always happens is I spend enormous amounts of money on things I do not need in order to sublimate, or perhaps distract me from thinking about, those things that depress and leave a bad taste in ones memory.

This year has been no different. I have bought myself some lingerie, a camera, tons of DVDs, and there are still several weeks to my natal day. New panties and new bras, even though I have plenty, seem to distract for moments, for there is always that initial rush as you get you purchases home and hold your own fashion show in front of a full length mirror, putting every item on and twisting this way and that. I did not need any of it, but it did first offer the excitement of the hunt, the thrill of the purchase, and then it continues to offer new choices in my daily wardrobe. Can a girl ever have too much sexy lingerie? My chest of drawers could make a convincing argument that one can indeed have too many panties, camisoles, stockings, etc.... However, to deny these urges, to control myself around my birthday, would only deny me what fleeting joy there is in living.

Oh god, listen to me, I sound like a morose and unhappy human being, which is most definitely not the case. I just get in moods, and what person doesn't, it may be hormonal or it may be habit, but even though I do not look forward to my birthday, I cannot seem to forget it except for one time long ago...but that is a story that does not fit in the here and now.

So every year, I go searching for something darling and impractical to take my mind off the passage of years and the toll it takes on my skin, on my hormone levels, and on every corner of my mind, the shadows of which are quite long and tend to blot out all the light that does shine on me.

Therefore, what to do to get through the few short weeks before my next birthday. I hear a sexy pair of heels calling out to me, urging me to buy them or at least try them on. How can I deny such a seductive call to me to play the siren?

I have to go while the sun still shines and try to assuage my guilt and my desire, later Darlings!