The Far Side of the Inner Nearness of Being

My birthday looms like a juggernaut on a stormy sea, and I wonder. After so many years of going through this mordant reverie over life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, why am I still tormented by inner demons? The one thing that always happens is I spend enormous amounts of money on things I do not need in order to sublimate, or perhaps distract me from thinking about, those things that depress and leave a bad taste in ones memory.

This year has been no different. I have bought myself some lingerie, a camera, tons of DVDs, and there are still several weeks to my natal day. New panties and new bras, even though I have plenty, seem to distract for moments, for there is always that initial rush as you get you purchases home and hold your own fashion show in front of a full length mirror, putting every item on and twisting this way and that. I did not need any of it, but it did first offer the excitement of the hunt, the thrill of the purchase, and then it continues to offer new choices in my daily wardrobe. Can a girl ever have too much sexy lingerie? My chest of drawers could make a convincing argument that one can indeed have too many panties, camisoles, stockings, etc.... However, to deny these urges, to control myself around my birthday, would only deny me what fleeting joy there is in living.

Oh god, listen to me, I sound like a morose and unhappy human being, which is most definitely not the case. I just get in moods, and what person doesn't, it may be hormonal or it may be habit, but even though I do not look forward to my birthday, I cannot seem to forget it except for one time long ago...but that is a story that does not fit in the here and now.

So every year, I go searching for something darling and impractical to take my mind off the passage of years and the toll it takes on my skin, on my hormone levels, and on every corner of my mind, the shadows of which are quite long and tend to blot out all the light that does shine on me.

Therefore, what to do to get through the few short weeks before my next birthday. I hear a sexy pair of heels calling out to me, urging me to buy them or at least try them on. How can I deny such a seductive call to me to play the siren?

I have to go while the sun still shines and try to assuage my guilt and my desire, later Darlings!

OH NO NOT AGAIN

Goodness me, time is not on my side, no it isn't.

It has been far too long without a post here, I blame that on life's variable nature. Not that it matters you understand, I doubt anyone is reading this anyway. Just as well because I really am not someone who writes to be read, but because I must. I have a four day weekend coming up, and I will probably wind up frittering it away with various forms of entertainment to take my mind of those things that would suck on my soul and eat my brain. Zombies of the id are everywhere, waiting to attack and leave you a hollow shell, a shadow of a shadow.

Oh yeah, that time thing...I have a birthday coming up in exactly six weeks. I always get a trifle morbid as my birthday approaches. Tick...tock...tick...tock...with each passing day thoughts of mortality and decrepitude suck the joy out of normal activities, so that it takes more and more to feel real, to feel normal. But then...I do have my annual vacation which I always take as close to my birthday as possible. I haven't worked on my birthday in so long, I have forgotten the last time it happened, a lifetime ago (that's the way it seems sometimes). The real insanity is that while I am on vacation I worry that I will have no job when I return to work. Not paranoia...really...it actually happened to me once and since then, the phantoms of the past eat at the edges of perception and try to frag me down. I have resolved not to let them win this year, and I hope that like most resolutions, this one does not go the way of thousands of broken promises to myself and to others.

Please take a seat and...

Okay, having started this I feel compelled to do something with it, yet one more thing to fritter away precious time on. By way of introduction, there are phantoms of all sorts haunting my synaptic pathways. Shadows reflected by the past, cast by the future, and hiding in dreams. They are creatures made of things that have been, things that might be, and things that never were. Their reality is variable, as phantoms are want to be. I do not know how often or how creative this might become, again it is a matter of time, energy and commitment. The older I get the more things I have to consume the available time.

I am explorer on the edge of memory, on the edge of identity, on the edge....

So here I am, and there you are, and I now have something meager to populate this page. Not very ambitious, to be sure, but then there is that old rascal time taunting me with the promise of more, while snatching it away even as I get excited over the prospect. May time be kinder to you than she has been to me.